…Although I know pain,
loss, fear, and darkness, I have not experienced the death of a
child. When I imagine it, the imagined pain is excruciating. But
I don’t really know what that is like.
This I do know. At least I
believe it with every fiber of my being. That within each and
every one of us there is an opening to a vast, unlimited supply
of strength and courage…compassion and
beauty…wisdom…love…faith…joy…and all the gifts that are
inherently a part of us. These gifts are in the foundation of
our being, built into us even before we are born. These gifts
can help us heal and they can enrich every aspect of our lives.
I used the word
“gifts” in The Twelve Gifts stories because that
is the way the inspiration came to me and because these powers,
these capacities, are called “gifts” in the world’s sacred
scriptures. Yet, the word “gift” is often inadequate,
sometimes, even inappropriate. I acknowledge that at times it
may seem impossible and even insulting to suggest there is a
gift in life’s horrors and profound sorrows. Yet, it is often
through brokenness, in the healing that happens afterwards, that
we are strengthened and opened to a greater capacity for love
and compassion and appreciation for life’s beauty.
After publishing The Twelve Gifts of Birth, I
began to look for examples of the gifts in myself, in others,
and in life’s circumstances. As I observe situations and listen
to stories, I am amazed at how valuable life lessons and
spiritual qualities live can live on even after death, healing
and inspiring not only the closest loved ones but multitudes of
people.
I am going to share a few examples and I invite you to share
your stories, but first I want to tell you how The Twelve
Gifts of Birth came to be. I wrote it for my daughters
when they were teenagers ready to leave home and go off to
college. I woke one day with shock that their childhood years
were over and I realized that I could have been a better mother.
Not only did I recall times when I half listened or when I said
"later" and we didn’t get to things, but I recognized that my
children, all children, need to be appreciated for who they are.
I was just beginning to understand that and to learn about
unconditional love. Too often I had tried to make my daughters
conform instead of helping them blossom into themselves. I felt
that I had sometimes failed to appreciate their special needs
and potential. It was a painful realization for me. I had
regrets. I finally realized that I couldn’t change the past and
wondered what I could do in the present. After reflecting on
that, and praying about it, I woke one morning from a dream that
essentially was the story of The Twelve Gifts of Birth.
Like many healings, life answers, and solutions, the inspiration
came after a letting go of pain and struggle. I see it as a gift
that was found in a dark time. I could not change the past but I
could begin to mother in a new way and I could offer this
message not only to my own children but to other children and to
adults as well.
My belief in the message was so strong that it led me, with my
husband, to publish the book, move into a motor home, and travel
the country to read the story in schools, shelters, churches,
hospitals, and prisons, as well as in bookstores. In those
places I heard and witnessed many examples of the gifts at work
in people’s lives. Often the stories were about discovering and
opening to the gifts in dark times.
Since that tour I have continued to be on the lookout for
demonstrations of the gifts. Often I encounter them in
unexpected ways. A few months ago I heard about THE GIFTS OF
YANA, as her mother calls them. During a routine mammogram, the
radiology technician, Janice, and I made small talk. At the end
of the procedure, as I was ready to leave, Janice stopped me and
said, “For some reason I want to give you something. It’s a poem
written by my daughter.” And in just a few minutes, before her
next scheduled patient, she told me a little about the life …and
death… of her daughter, Yana. After years of running,
struggling, and rebelling, at age 24 Yana moved back to her
hometown, reconciled with her parents, and began to live her
life joyfully, creatively and responsibly. Janice was once
again enjoying her bright, spirited daughter and the woman she
was becoming.
Janice was at her job at the medical center when she heard
that, while hiking, a young woman had fallen off a cliff. The
accident was probably fatal. Without knowing her identity,
Janice immediately began praying for peace for the girl’s soul
and for her family As she did, Janice herself experienced a
sense of peace, feeling that the girl had died doing what she
loved. Of course when she learned that the girl was her own
beloved daughter, she went into shock. For awhile she was
completely numb. But, slowly, as she began to feel again, she
discovered and received many gifts, not in the death, but in the
life of Yana. Some may seem small but really they are large
things that reveal Yana’s spirit. For example, looking through
photographs, Janice noticed that throughout Yana’s life, from
early childhood on, whenever she posed for a picture, Yana
leaned in and touched her head to another person in the photo.
Janice hadn’t taken note of that before. Since that
recognition, Janice leans in to touch heads during photos and,
in general, “leans in” more to touch and connect with people.
At the funeral, a 60 year-old woman who had worked at a grocery
store with Yana years earlier, when Yana seemed to be a troubled
teen, told Janice about her daughter’s kindness to homeless
people who came into the store looking for handouts. Yana was
engaged to be married when she died and was enjoying a
waitressing job. A diner whom Yana had served the night before
the accident told Janice about an incident that revealed Yana’s
honesty. Before ordering, he had asked Yana if she had tried
the prime rib, she had said, “Yes, it is delicious. That same
man was on the guided hike that day. During the
hike, Yana talked about her value of honesty and said she wanted
to come clean with him. “I’m a vegetarian,” she said. “I didn’t
taste the prime rib. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.”
Months later, on what would have been Yana’s 25th
birthday, Janice received a poem that Yana had written a year
before she died. Her fiancé had found it among her things and
saved it to give to Janice on that special day. It was the poem
she shared with me after my mammogram, which I would like to
share with you now:
Sometimes.....just for one minute
everything is
perfect
and in that moment everything is
nothing
and time and space become
completely irrelevant
because in that moment a lifetime is
lived.
However insignificant you think
whatever you're doing
is
it is all most important to do.
The purpose or
meaning to life is
exactly that.
(Yana, 4:04 AM
Wed. night
Sometime end of March 2001)
Yana’s wisdom, friendliness, compassion, truthfulness,
love….all live on in many ways. For her mother as she shares
stories and is influenced by them. And for us, as we hear them
and are perhaps influenced by them, too. I know that I am now
more likely to lean in and touch my head to someone in a
photograph with me. I very well may recall Yana’s “coming clean”
when I catch myself in a seemingly harmless white lie. Hopefully
I will remember and be guided by her compassion if I begin to
judge or feel discomfort around a homeless person.
We all have gifts to share – our own and the gifts we see in
our loved one -- that can enrich our lives and help us to be
better people. But sometimes we are not yet able to see them.
In December of 1998, my husband’s mother died suddenly and
unexpectedly. Three weeks later, my father died in a similar
way, suddenly and unexpectedly. The shock of these deaths was
numbing. The day after my father’s funeral, I received a call
from the Oprah Winfrey Show, inviting me to be interviewed about
THE TWELVE GIFTS OF BIRTH at my home and taped for a future
segment. Although I was in grief and not functioning well, I
said yes and tried to prepare myself. I am telling this story
because when the interviewer asked me to describe how I saw the
gifts in my daughters, I was unable to respond authentically. I
tried to answer but my answers were forced and empty. I felt
nothing. And, the segment never aired.
I have heard it said that sometimes when we seem to feel
nothing, when we are numb, it is actually because we are reeling
from feeling too much. We simply cannot process all the feeling.
We need to be numb. There is a time to be numb. A time to rage.
A time to weep. A time to heal. Sometimes it seems that life
itself is a healing journey.
At the end of the one-year tour I mentioned earlier, I touched
my throat, felt a lump, and knew something was very wrong. I was
diagnosed with two forms of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, one for
which present medicine says there is no cure. For several days,
I felt frozen with fear, betrayed. I wondered if I would
experience peace and joy again. It was not an easy time. I would
not have consciously chosen cancer as a teacher, but I now
appreciate lessons it offered. Along with being broken and
opened further into strength… courage… faith…hope, I was
inspired to write another story, The Twelve Gifts for
Healing, about using these gifts on our healing
journeys…on our life journeys.
The title
assigned to this talk is Discovering “Gifts” in Life’s
Darkest Moments. One of the darkest times in human
history is the holocaust. Even there, in the midst of the
horror, we can find tender and amazing stories of these
capacities in the human heart. In 1943 at age 29 a young woman
named Etty Hillesum was sent with her family to the gas chambers
at Auschwitz. Like Anne Frank, she kept a diary during that
time. In it she wrote, “I know what lies in wait for us. And yet
I find life beautiful and meaningful.” And, “Sometimes when I
stand in some corner of the camp, my feet planted on earth, my
eyes raised toward heaven, tears run down my face, tears of deep
emotion and gratitude.” And, “Ultimately we have just one moral
duty, to reclaim large areas of peace within ourselves, more and
more peace, and to reflect it toward others. And the more peace
there is in us, the more peace there will be in our troubled
world.”
******
Seeing evidence of these
gifts, especially during dark times, can help us heal. I
encourage you to look for the gifts in yourself and in others.
To the extent you are able, moment by moment, be willing to see
and experience these gifts, even a little shred, in all
circumstances. Be willing to allow the gifts to flow to and
through you into all the areas and aspects of your life. Be
willing. And then watch with gratitude, wonder and awe.
