Vitamins for Marriage?
An Rx
for Healthy Relationships
Just as the vitamins A, B, C,
D, and E help keep skin clear, cells alert, and body systems
running smoothly, relationships need regular doses of hope,
joy, love, compassion, courage, wisdom, faith and a few
other spiritual nutrients to help keep them strong.
For our bodies, we get vitamins
from food, the sun, and supplements. How can we assure that
our relationships are getting at least a minimum daily
requirement of what they need to thrive? Healthy doses can
be delivered through 12 simple, common-sense efforts:
Look for what is good in each
other.
Respect one another’s differences.
Make time each day for moments of play.
Everyday, be grateful for something.
Show that you care when you come and go.
Touch tenderly, speak kindly, and listen with
attention.
Be quick to say “I’m sorry” as well as “I
forgive.”
Choose to love even when you feel unloving.
Let sorrows bring you closer together.
Let troubles strengthen your commitment.
Renew your dreams.
And share your love with others.
Simple, yes; but not always easy.
Let’s consider a few of them. Look for what is good in
each other. This practice delivers doses of love and
compassion. It’s fairly easy in the honeymoon stage but how
do we do that when that stage is over and we begin to see
things that annoy us? And that is bound to happen. Our
spouse isn’t perfect. Nor are we. He leaves dirty socks on
the floor. We don’t close drawers. These are mild irritants.
There are sure to be others. Basically, it comes down to
this: seek and you shall find. If we continue to look for
what we admire in our spouse, we will see good qualities and
good qualities will be reflected back to us.
Like magnesium and calcium, the
second practice is closely related to the first. Respect
one another’s differences. Opposites attract. The more
time we spend together, the more pronounced differences
become. Eventually they cause conflict, which is inevitable.
But, conflict can be a source of growth when we stay
connected and respect differences.
I recently failed to do this. My
husband, Frank, had become deeply involved in politics. I
told him I respected his wanting to make a difference, which
I did. But at the same time, I frequently expressed disdain
for politics when I saw it at its worst. I may not choose to
get involved but I realized that I needed to respect his
doing so. When I replaced judgment with respect and
acceptance, our relationship strengthened. Differences can
stimulate growth and help keep us in balance. Often when I
get nervous about a challenge we are facing, my husband will
say, “Let’s try to see this as an adventure.” When we are
looking for what is good in each other and we likely to
respect differences and benefit from them.
Make time each day for moments of play.
Marriages need joy! Laughter is good medicine for relationships as well
as for bodies. When did you last laugh together? Did I hear
you say, “Ha! How can we make time for play when we we’re
not even having dinner together most nights?” Consider
scheduling a date each week, even if it is just a movie and
popcorn night at home. Hike, bowl, walk the dog, visit a
museum, meet at a new place for coffee. Frank and I recently
started “dating” again to bring more fun into our busy
lives. Our first date was a trip to Florence. Not Florence,
Italy; Florence, Arizona, a nearby community. Strolling
around the quaint, historic town worked wonders,
reconnecting us with the best of our past 36 years together.
Playfulness is more likely to
happen in the midst of our routines when we are practicing
some or all of these. Sometimes my husband and I practice
these very well. But there are times when, unfortunately, we
don’t. One pitfall for us is that when things are going
well, we tend to take our relationship for granted. We get
caught up in the busyness of life and then our relationship
suffers.
Marriage therapist Diana
Baysinger agrees that acting upon these 12 principles can
keep healthy marriages strong and help hurting marriages
heal.
“The marriage relationship
is like the growth and development of a human being,” she
says. “It is an entity that grows and develops with time and
life experience in the coupleship. It is fed or starved by
the nutrition that each partner puts into it.”
Consider these 12 practices. Implement just one and see for
yourself how hearts respond to even tiny gestures.
For example, show that you care when you come and go.
Make it a point to connect with your spouse when you
part for work and other activities. It takes less than a
minute to meet face-to-face, look into each others eyes, and
say, “Have a good day.”
Renew your dreams.
Again and again. They can come true
when they’re nourished with regular doses of
imagination and faith.
###
The 12 quoted practices are adapted from The Twelve Gifts
in Marriage by Charlene Costanzo.
In addition to her counseling and coaching practice in
Tempe, Arizona, Diana Baysinger is a corporate program
leader for Best Year Yet, an internationally-recognized
program designed to help individuals, couples, families, and
businesses close the gap between what they want and what
they are getting.
